we're chasing vodka with high fives
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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