The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
