You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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