i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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