the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
