...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
