the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
