i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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