lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
