why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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