After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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