All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
porn star boner night. come get it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
