I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My vagina is officially offended.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
