A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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