Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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