Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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