I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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