Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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