I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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