Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So squirting runs in the family.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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