Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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