forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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