I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
