Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
