I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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