WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
