i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
