Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
