Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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