Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
