i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
