I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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