got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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