i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
