I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
