what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
