i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it