mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?