Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome