I hate all girls vehemently.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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