My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.