he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section