I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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