you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.