You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.