Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.