By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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