Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'