I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
