Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high