We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker