ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her