If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
