I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.