Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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