Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
two words...techno handjob
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy