Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.