Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
