Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Wat do u mean how?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good