I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.