I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
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they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot